Facebook Status Updates Collection Part II

Here is the 2nd installment of my facebook status updates. Again, these go from most recent to least, beginning chronologically at the bottom...

Matt is posting some of his recent status updates in a blog. Again.

Matt will be here all week.

Matt knows that you're supposed to make lemonade when life hands you lemons, but what about when life hands you the rotted skull of Joseph Stalin? Make stalinade?

Matt is giving you five minutes, and five minutes only, to put on your makeup and get into your catsuit.

Matt thinks that Sarah is Palin' in comparison to every other woman in the world. Get it? Palin'? Ha ha ha ha ha ha! Feel free to use that. That's gold right there.

Matt is beating the crap out of a leprechaun.

Matt assumes all people are voting democrat until they tell him otherwise. Benefit of the doubt.

Matt researched the 5 presidential elections since 1848 that were held on his b-day (Nov 4). Republicans have won 3 to Dems 2. And GOP won the last 3, so we're due!

Matt is having one pancake, one flapjack, and one griddle cake for breakfast.

Matt is mad as hell and will probably continue to take it.

Matt is mad as hell and he's not going to take it anymore.

Matt thinks that the first day of school is for losers.

Matt is funny because he's true.

Matt wasn't actually late because he had to wash his hair. That would be stupid.

Matt needs to shave his head because showers take way too long when you have to soak your big stupid spongehead and then you're late for work.

Matt can't stop whistling the theme to WKRP in Cincinnati and wouldn't want to stop even if he could.

Matt hypothesizes that if things went just a little bit differently, we'd be listening to Crosby, Hitler, Nash and Young today.

Matt is self deprecating, but ironically thinks very highly of himself for being that way.

Matt isn't sure how NOT to keep it real.

Matt is cruisin' for a bruisin'.

Matt is doing the mashed potato, and he ain't talking about no dance.

Matt finds pretty much everything about Bea Arthur funny.

Matt is standing right behind you, getting ready to cover your eyes with his hands and say "Guess who?" But don't guess him or he'll be disappointed that you knew.

Matt may contain traces of peanuts or other kinds of nuts.

Matt needs to stop relaxing in ways that make him more tired than working.

Matt completes you.

Matt treats himself like a princess.

Matt prefers salary to celery.

Matt might convert to Christianity because the guy that runs the fruit stand where he gets his fruit in the morning is named Jesus and the fruit is delicious.

Matt just now realized that he doesn't think he ever tasted a Zima.

Matt never plagiarizes, because sometime too hot the eye of heaven shines, and often is his gold complexion dimm'd.

Matt is certain that Tilly is short for Isoko.

Matt does not blame Tilly Ono.

Matt is going to build a better world. The only tools he requires are a bulldozer and a sheet of acid.

Matt wants to raze Staten Island and fill it with giant models of small items (like pencils and paper clips) so we'll have a place to go pretend we're very tiny.

Matt can really taste the kale.

Matt is going to do things entirely through montages from now on. All tedious and unfunny parts will be edited out and a lively tune will play in the background.

Matt isn't sure if the verb for doing things on facebook is "facebooking" or "facing book".

Matt is wearing knickers and a beanie with a propeller on top and licking a giant lollipop.

Matt thinks that if people are going to call you Eggy, you should know what albumen is.

Matt is throwing out his wallet and getting one of those canvas bags with the drawstring and the big dollar sign on the front.

Matt still can't decide if he should be a Blood or a Crip.